Noah, CB and Noah!

It has been since December 2009 since the last time I blogged... I really should blog more often than I have been. WOW! There have been some major changes since then.

First, the BEST UPDATE! I am now a DAD! Amanda gave birth to a BEAUTIFUL little boy. Noah Kal-El Sykes was born on June 5, 2010 at 4:00PM. He weighed only 6lbs 3oz and measured 19 1/2 inches. After 28 hours of labor, I was so thankful to have such a strong, wonderful wife. Childbirth definitely gave me a newfound respect and love for my wife! We had a few scares in the first few weeks, spent about a week and a half total in the hospital, but all in all he is a healthy boy! He is growing so very fast! I love him more than anything in this world and he is perfection. God is amazing.

My Aunt Joanne passed away in May. She was the funniest person in my family. She always knew how to lighten up the room. She found out she had cancer and a week and a half later, she was gone. She died in her home with her family surrounded in love. That doesn't happen often anymore. Most people take their last breath of life in a cold hospital bed with only a few people around, sometimes no one there. My aunt died knowing that she was headed to a better place and that one day, a great reunion like never before would take place! I think of her everyday and knows she is walking hand in hand with her mother, my Great Grandmother Vivian right now.

I lost my job as a manager at Buffalo Wild Wings on February 1st. I remained unemployed for 2 months trying to look for a job. I finally had to give in and accept a serving position at The Cracker Barrel... WOW. CB is one of the most frustrating jobs I have ever had. It isn't challenging at all, its The Cracker Barrel. What is challenging is the type of customers that come into CB. It is so hard, being a christian raised person to understand the mentality that some of these people have, or lack there of. I have never seen rude like I do in that place. These people simply do not have any respect for service. AND, just to let EVERYONE know... ONE DOLLAR PER PERSON IS NOT A TIP!!! The average tip there is a single dollar per guest. THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE. Being a christian person, I simply do not understand how someone can walk into a place, get served good, hot food and simply NOT leave a tip! It happens constantly there! Today, my very first table left me nothing. NOT A PENNY! It really doesn't make me look forward to the rest of the night. The only way I kept myself in a good mood is this... It may sound vulgar, but it is completely comedic. When I get stiffed, I cant help but think that there MUST be a special place in hell for these people. You know, like a long corridor and at the end there is a door that says "All those who have failed to tip enter here.." :) Again, I want to stress I wish that nobody would go to hell, but it is an unstoppable, comedic thought. I ask God everyday for patience.


Auditions for NOAH in Branson MO are this month. I would like to audition. If finances are cooperative, I will make it happen. I auditioned last year, obviously without success. The director said that many people have auditioned many times and often it takes 2 or three times before there is an open role that you fit into. This makes sense, and so, I will try again. If you have any suggestions for a monologue or song, feel free to share...

In the future, I will do my best to be more consistent with my blogs. If you would like to see more photos of my beautiful boy, just click on the link to my Facebook, or email me.

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"And I Have Made Up My Mind That Those Days Are Gone..."

I will try to do a better job of writing here. Not that anyone really reads it. I mean I post it on Facebook, not to say, "Here look at me, read my stuff." But to let people know what is going on in my life. I am an open person and If you are going to be my friend, I expect that back. I guess that is why I post it on Facebook. Only my true friends are on Facebook. I'm not one of those people who have people on their facebook just so they will have a lot of connections. I'm not sure that's what FB was intended for. Why should I have someone I went to school with, that I never talked to, or they never talked to me, on my FB? I don't. In fact I probably need to go through and delete some people from my Friends list that I no longer talk to. I will post this before I do, In case I delete you and then you can remember this post I put up and know why I did...

So a lot of stuff is happening or has happened. First the disappointing news... I did not make the Cast List of "NOAH!" It is mostly disappointing because it is the BIGGEST audition I have ever done. It was a BIG rejection. I have a lot of different thought on the results and what this is supposed to mean for me... Maybe this biz just is not what I am supposed to be doing. Maybe I am doomed to be in Community Theatre for the rest of my life. You know, maybe I am not supposed to get paid to do what I love. Not that there is ANYTHING wrong with Community Theatre. I LOVE IT! I really do. Other thoughts.... maybe that was just a learning experience.... sort of a class before the big one... I don't know...
I will be, however, doing THE PROMISE again this year. I probably will not be playing the role of JESUS this year either. I just cut off all of my hair:( But, I would not expect to be cast in that part this year regardless. I am sure that Andy wanted to do it this year. He did it 5 or 6 years ago and has wanted to try it again. I do not have a problem with it, but I do know If I were to audition for the same role as him, I would not be cast over him for different particular reasons... enough said. I Love THE PROMISE. I look forward to it every year. This will be my fourth year in it. I played Jesus the first TWO years and Joseph this last year. It is one of the most rewarding things to do. It really lets you express what you believe in through music like nothing I have done before. Maybe I can convince my mom or Amanda to be in it this year. I think they would enjoy it.

On more positive news... I AM GOING TO BE A DADDY! This is such good news! We really wanted this so badly and God has granted it to us this chance once again. She starts her SECOND trimester next week. That is VERY good news. The risks of miscarriage diminish immensely after the First Trimester. So far we have had TWO sonograms and last week we got to hear Our Baby's heartbeat. It was amazing. January 20th, we go for an ultrasound and we get to find out the sex of the baby.. if we want to. I really want to, but I also want to be surprised, so I don't know... Believe it or not, we have already agreed on a few names. This is BIG news, because Amanda and I cannot decide on things like where to eat or get a haircut, let alone our child's name... We are very happy. It is upsetting that I no longer have someone who they can call uncle. Or someone to be their Godfather...

I think that this is a door for me... I have always hated change. Changes that are bad anyway. I always had a hard time when family moved away, or friends moved away and it is even harder when friends no longer are your friends. I have always sort of just stopped my life and let others proceed with theirs. I never moved on with my life. I think that time for me is over. I have to start moving on. And if the people that I want to be in the picture want to be there also, so be it. But it is up to them if they want to be in my life. I'm moving on...

"I've dealt with my ghosts and I've faced all my demons
Finally content with a past I regret
I've found you find strength in your moments of weakness
For once I'm at peace with myself
I've been burdened with blame, trapped in the past for too long
I'm movin' on

I've lived in this place and I know all the faces
Each one is different but they're always the same
They mean me no harm but it's time that I face it
They'll never allow me to change
But I never dreamed home would end up where I don't belong
I'm movin' on

I'm movin' on
At last I can see life has been patiently waiting for me
And I know there's no guarantees, but I'm not alone
There comes a time in everyone's life
When all you can see are the years passing by
And I have made up my mind that those days are gone

I sold what I could and packed what I couldn't
Stopped to fill up on my way out of town
I've loved like I should but lived like I shouldn't
I had to lose everything to find out
Maybe forgiveness will find me somewhere down this road
I'm movin' on"

Why My Music Doesn't Play...

It's 6:40 AM. I am awake. I have not been to bed yet. I can't. I can't sleep. I just can't manage to lay down and fall asleep anymore... I can't. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop thinking. I can't stop thinking. I think. I think. And then I get upset. And I cry... I cry. Because I think, I cry...

I am so lost. I am lost. Just lost. Im lost because I have lost. I have lost and now I am lost.

I have lost so much in less than a year. More than I remember I am sure. But what I do remember is enough.

I lost a nephew. A nephew. A baby. He was a baby boy. My sister miscarried an 8 month old baby boy. She delivered an 8 month old baby boy. Are you understanding me?! Do you get it!!!? An 8 month old baby boy died inside of my sister! She lost a son and I lost a nephew! She gave birth to a baby boy who never cried. He never cried. He never cried. He never laughed. He never clenched her finger with his tiny hands. He was still. I was in the same room as a still baby. I saw my nephew. 8 months old. Perfect little boy. Still. Quiet. Nothing. Do you get it? Do you get it? My mother held her first grandchild. Still. She held her first grandchild and it was still. Nothing. No crying. Do you understand what I am saying to you? You don't. You can't. I hope you never do.

I lost a child. I lost a child. My wife and I lost a baby. Not as old as my nephew. 2 months old. Still a baby. My wife carried a child for two months and overnight, it was gone. Taken. That was a baby. Do you get it? Do you understand? I was a father and overnight, I was nothing. Amanda was a mother and overnight, nothing. We were excited. We were happy. What was it? What did we do. It was my fault. I take the blame. I know why. Im so sorry. But you will never understand. I hope you never understand.

I lost a companion. Our first pet. Mine and Amanda's first pet together. It may seem small and insignificant, but being so close to other losses... it was tragic. I held him for his last hour of life. Breathing heavy. Deep... then nothing... then deep... then nothing. It was death... again. Why? Fair? For who? Not me. Not her. Not us. do you get it yet? You don't.

I lost my grandmother. In a way, my grandmother had been gone for 15 years. Alzheimer's took her very slowly from her family and everyone that she loved. I grew up at her house. I walked to her house everyday. Drank lemon tea and played scrabble in the living-room on the floor by the sliding glass door. I knew something was wrong. She started confusing me with other grandchildren. Grandchildren from Chicago whom she saw once a year. How could she do that? I didn't get it. I do now. She fought back against the darkening memories for 15 years. Do you get it? 15 years. That's unheard of. This spring, however, she was too overpowered. I got a call. I rushed up there. And was there. Staring at death... once again. Fourth time in 6 months. I watched my grandmother take her last breath. I watched the life that was in her just disappear. She was gone. You don't get it.

I lost my best friend. Why? I don't know. I don't get it? We lost touch. One of us tried and failed. The other sat on the sidelines while everything fell apart. He watched it burn. He watched it fade. He didn't even care. How can all of your childhood, suddenly mean nothing? How? How can you not try? How can you sit back, and watch it vanish. How can you see everything happening to him, and not do anything? It doesn't matter now. You don't get it? Do you?

I lost trust with my wife. She cannot trust me anymore, and with good reason. I have done things in the past, and she now knows. Were together. I don't get it. Why is she still with me? I don't deserve her. Would I be as forgiving?

I don't think people realize how much I have lost. It is so personal. It's so real and I can't deal with it. I can't sleep, I can't focus. I have a constant headache. Constant pain in my head. Constant. Consistent pain. And I can't deal with it. Do you get it? Do you understand what I've been through. What we have been through? Do you get it. You don't and I hope you never do.

Something has changed within me...

It has been a while since the last time I blogged. I was getting very good at keeping up on my writing. I looked back and the last blog was July 7th! I am going to try harder to blog more. Not that I have people who read, I think it is good to have a forum to go to to "vent" sometimes.

I have realized a lot of things this summer. I have learned many things over the course of this year alone.

People are undependable. People let other people down. People are disappointing. People make mistakes. People are ignorant. People are misled. People are not perfect.
I am no exception. Lets start here. I have messed up a lot of things in my life. My marriage, my family, and some of my friends. Now, My marriage is fine, lets not jump to conclusions. I have just made a lot of mistakes and hurt my wife along the way. Selfishness has a lot to do with it. My wife, Amanda, has been very understanding and has gone through more than anyone should ever have to. She has been by my side from the beginning of all of my troubles. I love her dearly. I have hurt my family in ways that can't really be said. As for my friends, I am not sure how many friends I have. Who do you call your friend? A friend to me is someone you can go to anytime, tell them anything, and know that they will be understanding and help you in the long run. So... I am not even sure if I have a friend. I know that Amanda is My Best Friend. As far as other people... Not one.

I have realized this summer that friends come and go. It hurts that I had to realize this through my Best friend. We were unseperable. And now, just a few years later, were completely seperated. This is no thanks to me. Let me be perfectly clear. I try to keep our relationship going. Through text and facebook and phonecalls. Still, nothing. He is the one who does not want me to know him anymore. He is undependable, he is disappointing, he is being misled and he is ignorant and most of all, he has let me down. I was supposed to be his best friend. I am not okay with this shut out and never will be, but I do have to realize that it is out of my control and start moving on.

So, moving on I am. Earlier this month, I auditioned for a BIG show in Branson, MO! NOAH the musical. You can explore the show here... http://www.sight-sound.com/WebSiteSS/getlanguages.do I sang, I danced, and I gave my monologue. I feel the audition process went very well. I never say that about anything I do, so that scares me. After the auditions, they sent some people home. Then, they started measuring some people. One of those people was me! They took every body measurement that they would need for costuming. I don't know if this is good news or not. So I had a short interview after that and was sent home. I later ran into one of the people who auditioned that day with me. He is working in TN at a show called The Miracle. I actually saw him in May. He was amazing. We talked for a while and I asked him if he had heard anything about casting and he said that they would not sign anyone on until around November. He did not even get an answer and he was amazing, so I feel pretty good at the moment. So now, I wait until the fall... If nothing happens, I tried. Our plans right now is to keep moving forward. Our goal is to move to Branson by January. That will happen.

I am reminded of a monologue given by Tom Hanks in Castaway. He says, "And I know what I have to do now. I gotta keep breathing. Because tomorrow the sun will rise. Who knows what the tide could bring?"
So no matter what happens, not matter what friends I lose, or what mistakes I make, thats what I will do. I will keep breathing. The sun will rise, the sun will set and the tide can bring anything my way.

I am Falling! Who will pick me up?

I am still learning. I have to realize this. I do not know everything there is to know and I NEVER will. I do know that.

I believe that life is full of challenges from God. I know that these challenges are not meant to bring us down, but help us overcome.

It's like climbing a mountain. The terrain is full of obstacles to overcome. The goal is to reach the top and the top is where everyone wants to be. Most inexperienced climbers will have some sort of guide or map to make it up the mountain, whether it be a book or actual person. Some people choose to go at it alone. Most of those people find it very difficult to climb without any sort of knowledge or preparation. But the most people will find it much easier to rely on the guide for, well, guidance!

God throws all sorts of obstacles our way. I think that the things that God throws are things that we do that might not be according to His will so He tries to make us aware of that. For example, a career path that you might want to pursue. The key word here is want to pursue. We want a lot of things. I want a lot of things, but we need to be aware of what God has planned for us. You can do whatever you want. God has given you that choice, but He knows what is best for us and the things that we should be doing. Be aware that if things are not working out according to your plan, take a step back, and look at it from a different point of view. Ask yourself, "Is this what I am SUPPOSED to be doing?" as opposed to "Is this what I WANT to do?" These can be two very different things.

The obstacles that satan throws are very different than the obstacles that God places in our lives. You see, I think that satan distracts you from your goal, and then that becomes an obstacle to overcome. (Wanting VS Needing) Satan can throw things at you to distract your eyes from the goal. Perhaps he throws things in your direction that you spend money on, that maybe you should not be spending money on. Or perhaps satan leads you to places that you shouldnt be in. Or maybe he puts things in front of your eyes that distract you from the ultimate goal. These little distractions, that may look good, or feel good, or sound good can quickly become your focus.

So the difference between God's obstacles and Satan's obstacles is very simple. God wants you to learn and overcome. Satan wants you to be torn down and led astray.

God says that he will never throw an obstacle our way that is too much to overcome. 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

God, however, will take you to the breaking point. He will allow you to suffer all the way up until you reach your hand out to that guide. Imagine yourself struggling all of your life. Everything you do seems to lead to nowhere and everything around you is falling apart. Your climbing that mountain side and slip, fall to your knees, grab the earth under you to hold on long enough to ask for help. At that moment you are rescued from your eternal fall by your guide.

Jesus can be your guide through the uphill battle we call life. With his map (Bible) we can climb the mountain being pushed and pulled by our saviour, Jesus Christ.

If Anyone Knows What It Is Like To Be Marred, It's Me and Michael Jackson

Michael Jackson. In my opinion, Michael Jackson has created some of the best pieces of music of all time! He has changed the way we hear music. Thanks to Michael Jackson, we got to SEE music. He actually performed in such a way that we could SEE the music. We could see every beat of music that he performed.
He opened doors for many musicians. He was the first black megastar! He was the King of Pop.

He had a heart. He gave so much to so many people and I think that if we really looked into his heart, we could all learn something from him. He loved life, music and children and he believed that children were more important than anything in this world.

He was accused of some things that were never proved to be true. Through it all, I never believed that he could be capable of something so vile. I believe that Michael Jackson just loved children in a way that we see as weird.

We cannot look into someones heart. I only see what is on the outside. You can only see what is on the outside. The only one who can see what is truly in someones heart is God. He knows all, sees all, and hears all.

We are not allowed to judge, for God is the ultimate judge.

We see people in the media, the way that the media show us. What they say about someone does not justify who they are as a person.

Michael Jackson was an innocent King, whose throne was marred by people of greed. People who would do anything to bring someone down. He simply could not have hurt anyone. He loved too much... That was his crime.

This is just one example of him putting Children first. He could have done so much at this superbowl to glorify himself, instead, he chose to take this time, where millions would be watching, to touch millions of hearts around the globe. Watch...